Part 5 The S.T.U.P.I.D. Series

How I Got My S.T.U.P.I.D. Under Control

For the most part!

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Like most people, I suffer from S.T.U.P.I.D. flare-ups.

I did a lot of inner work to try to work through my S.T.U.P.I.D. and I developed

The Secret Pond Perspective with patented Ask-Yourself-WHY Formula.

But when Drew entered his teenage years and would argue, be disrespectful or have 'an attitude' I would get so incredibly mad. And he would repeatedly ask me,

“Why do you get so mad?” Or “Why do you get so mad so fast?”

Of course, this made me even more mad.

And I just chalked his response up to deflection… 

But it did make me ask myself, “Why DO I get so mad?”  And I came to the conclusion that I got so upset because I love him so much...I wanted him to be his best sELF. I wanted him to grow up and be functional and content.  And I wanted us to maintain our close relationship, which can start to feel harder as our kids get older and become more independent.

So, my final answer to his question?  Fear…my fear that maybe I'd failed as a parent, that I wasn’t the parent I used to be or wanted to be, or that he just wasn't getting it. 

I know that so many of our reactions or over-reactions are fear-based, so this made perfect sense to me.

Then, one day, just a couple of years ago, it happened again and he asked me,

“Why do you get so mad?”

This time I asked myself that question again. Because this really was about the only thing left in my life that still just sent me over the edge emotionally and made me so incredibly upset.

WHY DO I get so mad? But this time I didn’t stop there. 

WHY DO I overreact?

And what's more, WHY DO I feel so incredibly upset when this happens? 

And then I thought about how I taught five-year-old Drew that sad can look like mad. 

Then I asked myself,

“WHY DO I get so mad, in other words, what is making me feel so sad?” 

WHY do I FEEL this way?

And there was my answer.

I immediately recognized the feeling…from my past.

Feeling so hurt….disrespected…disregarded.

Like anything I said didn't matter.

The feeling of being treated like I was wrong about anything and everything…

just because I was me.

I was too much…while at the same time I was really never enough.

That feeling, that hurt…it was a trigger.

You’ve probably heard of muscle memory. This was emotional memory.

That feeling triggered my nervous system into fight or flight mode from my childhood and early adult life…and of course, in my case it was always fight mode. 

I always came out swingin’.

 So, when Drew came at me with typical teenage stuff it really was ME who got so mad and had this huge emotional reaction…overreaction.

So yes, there was a real behavior that needed addressing and disrespect is not OK.

AND,

YES….There was an old wound that tripped my trigger into emotional survival mode.

So, let’s see how my example shows up as an S.T.U.P.I.D. flare-up.

Stuck

I was stuck in a pattern, pulled back into old hurt feelings of being disrespected and disregarded.

Temporarily

It was a moment; it was not my entire identity as a mother or a person.

Unaware

For several years I did not realize my reaction was connected to old wounds.

Personal

This was part of my BackStory.  The wound already existed. 

Drew simply poked the bear…and the bear came out swingin’.

Inner

This is where the work had to happen.  Not just correcting Drew’s behavior. But understanding and owning what was happening inside of me.  He deserved a mom who could offer a calm, reassuring redirection, not an emotional basket case.

Direction

Once I felt it and saw it clearly, I could choose a different direction instead of spiraling.

Ricky Reality Check just popped in to make sure I tell you that this does not mean I was instantly fixed.  But- there’s always a big but and it’s usually mine- once you see the issue you can’t unsee it.

And this is how we can begin working through S.T.U.P.I.D.

Where am I stuck?

This is temporary, it does not have to be my whole identity.

What am I unaware of?

What part of this is personal to my own story, my BackStory?

What inner work is this asking me to do?

And what new direction can I choose now that I see it more clearly?

And flare-ups WILL happen…that’s just our humanness.

And just real quick I want to add, that even before I had my little revelation, I always apologized when I got angry. I think we underestimate the value of apologizing to our kids, admitting when we’ve made mistakes, got it wrong, or just had a flare up of good ole S.T.U.P.I.D.

It shows them we’re human and models something that as a parent, we hope they will do when they’re wrong and make mistakes. 

SO, simply asking myself WHY helped things start to shift and I became less distracted by what everyone else was doing “wrong” and, instead, started looking at people and situations with much more empathy.

And yes, I get it, maybe there are times they are wrong.

Maybe they are being rude, careless, disrespectful, inconsiderate,

or they’re literally just being a BEEP.

You saw Part 3 right?!

But the question is,

“Why is it causing such a ripple in our pond…in our emotional waters?”

Because when your own emotional waters are clear and calm, we can notice other people’s behavior without becoming consumed by it.

We don’t have to let them set sail on our emotional waters. 

We can set boundaries.

We can say, “No thank you, not today, Bill Butts.”

“Not letting you hijack my peace, Agnes Smutts.”

And we just go on about our day.

If someone else’s behavior starts making choppy waves in our emotional waters,

it may be time to pause and pull out the patented Ask-Yourself-WHY Formula.

• WHY do I get so mad?

• WHY do I overreact?

• WHY do I care so much what someone else is doing?

• WHY do I FEEL so incredibly upset? 

And remember that sad can look like mad…and hurt can look like mean. 

So, in other words, what is making me feel so sad?

And then you can immediately apply the same question to Bill and Agnes and Norm and the whole crew.

There must be some sad making them so mad.

There must be some hurt that is making them so mean.

And remember that, hey, we all have S.T.U.P.I.D. flare ups from time to time. 

That’s why I developed The Secret Pond Perspective with patented Ask-Yourself-WHY Formula. 

So, you can confidently get up every morning, look in the mirror and say,

“Don’t Be a BEEP today!”

And as Grandad always used to say,

“Now there’s some sense to that.”

Until next time, wishing you much love and laughter,