Part 4 The S.T.U.P.I.D. Series

When Small Childhood Moments Make a Big Impact

on Our Emotional Foundation

Even something as small as a little barking dog…

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In the last episode, we talked about how our emotional foundation from childhood can be an unexpected cause of many of our adult reactions, patterns, and S.T.U.P.I.D. flare-ups.  And we discussed how childhood trauma shapes us.

But sometimes, when we hear words like trauma, we envision something huge and dramatic.

And sometimes it is.

But other times it can be something as small as a little barking dog.

When Drew was around two or three, a little barking dog came running up to us. I knew it was OK…but Drew was terrified. He raised his hands for me to pick him up.

Instead, I tried to reassure him it was fine.

That didn’t work and after his panicked insistence, I finally picked him up.  

And that was the end of that…or was it?

As time passed, he dreamed off and on, for years, that he was in distress, sometimes even life or death situations, and I would not help him.

He woke up one morning and told me he dreamed that we were on a boat in the ocean, he fell overboard and was drowning.  He raised his hands, yelling to me for help and I just stood there and watched him sink.

When he told me this, it was my heart that sank. 

And, of course, I reassured him that would never happen.

And periodically he’d have yet another dream, and then another, where I stood idly by and watched him struggle, suffer or worse, die. 

And each time I felt devastated, heartbroken…and confused.

And then I remembered the little barking dog.

And I thought about how I just stood there when he felt he was in danger.    

Our perception is our reality. His fear of the little barking dog was very real and  

when he turned to me for safety, from his perspective, I failed to meet that need.

If you think about it, at two or three years old, or even six or nine or 12 or 14, our worldview is still so small and limited.  And we’re relying on the people around us, especially the close and trusted adults in our lives, for safety and to help us understand whatever the world throws at us. 

As an adult, my lived experience told me the dog was not a threat.                        But from Drew’s perspective it absolutely was and he was terrified…

and I did not help him…at least, not soon enough.

So, we all respond to things differently.                                                                                 Another child may have thought the little barking dog funny…or cute.

And at the time, I didn’t grasp how traumatic this really was for him, so I didn’t apologize, I didn’t explain my reasoning or my actions. So, the entire scenario lived on in his mind, and his nervous system, from his perspective only.

This story is a good example of how trauma can sometimes come from something mundane or even as small as a little barking dog.

And, unfortunately, I have yet another story…I know, right?

When we were working with Drew to get him to sleep in his big boy bed, in the middle of the night, I just felt like I needed to go check on him...only to find him looking out the front door with both his hands on the glass crying...as if we had left him at night, in the dark...all alone. Scared and abandoned.

I scooped him, apologized through tears, and told him it was OK, Mommy was here…probably a thousand times.  And he slowly drifted off to sleep.

I apologized to him the very next day and he said he didn’t remember it...

but I believe his nervous system did. 

It took us years to rebuild his trust in certain areas after these incidences...

and this particular experience wasn’t even something he remembered,

at least not in the front of his mind.

I think this is why, the other day, when I was thinking about how

hurt people hurt people, it hit me a little harder than usual. 

Because the truth is, we have all been hurt in some way.

Not always because someone meant to hurt us.

Not always because we were abused, neglected, or mistreated.

Sometimes we’re just innocent bystanders of life.

Of misunderstandings.

Of fear.

Of timing.

Of our own lens through which we view everything that happens every day.

Of a moment that feels small to someone else but feels enormous to us,     especially if we’re talking about little us. 

If we are all hurt, then we will hurt someone else.

Unintentionally.  By accident.  Sometimes even without knowing.

And that realization broke my heart a little…

but it is a large part of the human experience.

We are all walking around with BackStories, old wiring, cracked foundations,

and moments our nervous systems remember even when our minds forget.

So, while our goal can and should always be not to hurt others,

the reality is that we likely already have and we will again.

I apologized to little Drew back then.

And later, when he was older, I apologized again…a few times.

Not because I thought that would somehow go back and change it.

But because I hoped that, with more years under his belt, better communication skills, and higher levels of understanding, he might be able to see those moments from a different perspective, through a different lens, and begin to unravel any remnants of old wiring it may have left behind.

Every moment in our lives shapes us, including the less desirable ones. 

And I can only speak for myself when I say, that I would not go back and change any of my experiences because they made me who I am today. 

And, of course, as a parent, I would love to be able to go back and save Drew from every hurt, from every little barking dog or ship on the sea, but that is not how life works…

Nothing pains me more than knowing that I have hurt him…and still do.

But what I can do is work toward being my best sELF, sincerely apologize when I make mistakes, continue to learn, and accept that I am, and will always be, human.

This is why our ELF365 Declaration says, “No one is perfect.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We are always learning so we must always be kind.” 

That’s also why I developed The Secret Pond Perspective with patented

Ask-Yourself-WHY Formula.

And how do I even know that this Formula, this remedy for S.T.U.P.I.D. works?

Because I’ve been working on my own S.T.U.P.I.D. for several years.

In the next episode I share a very humbling example, I know, I am a glutton for punishment, of how I decreased my S.T.U.P.I.D. flare-ups. 

If you’re a parent, especially of a teen, you definitely don’t wanna miss it.

And remember, don’t be a BEEP!

And as Grandad always used to say,

“Now there’s some sense to that.”

Until next time, wishing you much love and laughter,