Part 1 Seven Pointers for Parents (& Teachers!)
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
Part 1
7 Pointers for Parents
to Help Your Kid Deal with a Mean Kid
And One Action Your Child Can Take to Go from
Hurt to Helper
Buckle up, Buckaroos, and let’s take a ride!
I run an outreach business called ELF365, Exemplify Love and Friendship 365 days a year, with my teenage son, Drew. That probably sounds as challenging as it actually is sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I was gifted a second chance with my son, so it is with a deeply grateful heart that I share what worked for us in service to others.
May no parent ever feel so helpless and alone.
These 7 Pointers come from a combination of our lived experience and my professional experience. In 2011 when Drew was five years old, he was “bullied” on his very first day of Kindergarten- yes, Kindergarten! In hopes of helping others, I sat down and organized what worked for us into these Pointers.
When I tell our story, 99.9% of people typically respond by sharing a story about “bullying,” whether it be their own, their child’s, grandchild’s or someone in their life.
And all it really takes is just a few minutes of reflection to see that most of us are dealing with these same type issues in some form or fashion.
If sharing what worked for us gives even one family a place to start and reminds them that they are not alone, then it was all worth it.
But before I continue, I think it’s important to share where I stand on two things I also hear repeatedly when sharing our story.
Why? Because I call BEEP on both.
Prepare for the ruffling of feathers everywhere…
1. “Kids are just mean.”
Yes, I heard the battle cry from across the globe. I get it. We’ve been hearing this line all our lives, generation after generation, but in my experience, it’s just that
>>> a line…and it simply isn’t true.
2. “I told my kid to do the same thing back to ‘the bully’ and the bullying stopped.”
I’ve already prepared the outfit I will be burned at the stake in for my response to this one. Listen, if this worked for you, great. But can we just think about what this teaches our kids?
You didn’t like what someone did to you + you do that same thing back to them = problem solved.
This sounds more like retaliation to me.
I’m of the opinion if you fight fire with fire, you just get a bigger fire! This may have been a fix, for lack of a better word, but the Lesson Impression™ it makes will likely come back to burn us.
A Lesson Impression is what I call it when a child learns and remembers a lesson because it is connected to a specific moment that makes a lasting impression on them.
And in this case, the lesson may be: If someone hurts you…hurt them back.
I don’t really think that’s what we’re going for…at least, it’s not what I was going for.
I can already feel my feet burning, so we’ll save a deeper discussion on this for later. Another day, another stake!
But while I’m at it, I might as well add a little more fuel to the fire and say > let’s not label kids. Let’s stop calling kids, “bullies.” Not only can labels stick with kids forever, but this is also where the self-fulfilling prophecy can rear its ugly head.
The self-fulfilling prophecy is when a false belief or expectation leads to behaviors that cause the expectation to come true. Children are still learning who they are and often believe what we tell them. When we label them, we are essentially telling them what we believe they are…and it only makes sense that they would believe it too.
Plus, research shows that children begin forming core beliefs about themselves between ages 5-8, and those beliefs often shape how they see themselves for life.
(Canfield, The Success Principles for Teens, 2008)
Yike. That’s why what we say is so important during these foundational years. Words from peers, teachers, and caregivers carry enormous weight. And I witnessed this myself.
Whew! Man, my feet are already on fire!
So, while we did start our outreach business in response to bullying-type behaviors,
the overarching message shared by ELF365 is love and acceptance of sELF and others.
The cornerstone of our mission is empathy.
So, I realize I’ve probably already lost some of you and I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped reading right now. I mean, you don’t even know me! But if I could get ya to hold that match for just a sec and let me explain, I think it will help.
I spent over 20 years working in social services, 15 of those in child advocacy. I saw children…and parents, and extended family struggling…hard, in every way imaginable …and unimaginable. I saw such brokenness that it cannot be conveyed by words alone.
In my career I witnessed the difference just one person could make, and I saw this in my own life, too. And I want to make sure you truly understand the degree to which I mean this.
I saw the difference one person could make…and it wasn’t always a big thing the person even did. Sometimes it was as simple as a sentence. Can you imagine? Just something a person said, and it changed a life, maybe even saved a life. Sadly, though, this life-changing difference can go both ways. Oftentimes it wasn’t a positive difference I saw.
I have witnessed the power a single person, time and again, large and small, for good, and for sad.
So, what does all this have to do with helping your child deal with a “mean kid”?
Everything.
When I dropped Drew off for his first day of Kindergarten I felt the same things most parents feel. But unbeknownst to me, what happened when I picked him up that day would eventually lead me here sharing this with you.
That afternoon when I picked him up, the first thing he asked me when he hopped in the car, with this deep sadness in his voice, was,
“Mom, why are kids so mean?”
And my heart just sank. The good moments he had that day were completely overshadowed by hurt.
In my work I saw hurting kids every day. Actually, if you see kids at all during your day, you see hurting kids, too. The biggest difference between me and most people, though, was that I had a thick case file filled with information about the kids I saw. I knew what they had been and were going through. I knew exactly how they were hurt, who let them down, how they weren’t protected, why they didn’t feel safe, how they hadn’t been fed or didn’t have a bed. I could go on and on. I knew exactly WHY they were angry, anxious, depressed, impatient, or out of control. And I could go on and on here, too.
When I was growing up, I always ran to my Grandad when something was wrong because he took the time to listen and always responded with love and objectivity. That greatly shaped who I am today. And because Grandad did this for me, it came natural for me to do this for Drew.
So, I sat down with Drew that day and we talked through what happened. This gave Drew a safe place to process his feelings. After multiple big hugs, while staying as neutral and objective as possible, I shared other perspectives for him to consider. I shared what I knew to be true from my own experience and that’s exactly where these Pointers come from.
Now that you know how I arrived at my 7 Pointers, I hope you’ll join me for Part 2 where I share the Pointers I used with Drew to help him go From Hurt to Helper.
And as Grandad always used to say,
“Now there’s some sense to that.”
Until next time, wishing you much love and laughter,
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